Sunday, March 13, 2011

Adventures in Ireland - Part II

I Bought New Underwear for My Boobess

I wish I were one of those women who can stroll into a lingerie shop and whip a few bits of lace off a hanger. My chesticles are more of the bombastic variety and finding a receptacle for them is akin to trying to bag two piglets. After a year of denial, I finally accepted that I had put on weight and needed new underwear, so Joyce, my kindly sister-in-law, offered to head to the nearest large town with me on a girlie underwear-buying session.

The shopping centre was nearly empty. Ireland is in the depths of a dark recession and shopping as a recreational sport - previously an Olympic discipline in boomtime Ireland - has taken a nosedive. That's the reason why the young Polish shop assistant in the fancy lingerie shop was thrilled to see me when I walked through the door.
"It's very quiet out there," I said, indicating the silent concourse, where tumbleweeds blew past the empty shops, the clerks leaning on the countertops, bored, or engaged in chat with their fellow workers.
"Is awful," she said earnestly. "Today most exciting thing is visit from cleaning lady."
Poor girl.

I explained my predicament and her practised eye swept over my bosom.
"We not have your size," she said, "but I am measure you anyway. Okay? Then you go department store and buy there."
"Do you mind?" I asked.
"Nothing to do," she said and shrugged.
In we went to the cubicle and she whipped out a measuring tape.
"This bra all wrong," she said, "You are have four boobess because too small. You want two boobess."
She held up two fingers. I nodded. Yes, indeedy. Two boobess would be preferable.
"Important with bra is," she said, "must separate boobess - " she made an elegant sweeping motion, like Moses parting the Red Sea, " - and also to keep down."
With that, she patted the air energetically. I understood immediately. Those of you who are generously endowed know how spooky it is to have your boobess try to sneak up and smother you.

She worked out my size and sent me on my way, after giving me a little lesson on style ("Lace look very nice, but here this grandma style ugly but much better under t-shirt") and form ("This pretty but make uni-boobess, remember we want to separate.") Armed with this knowledge, I went next door and bought half-a-dozen miracles of engineering and then popped in to show her my purchases.
"Very good!" she said, beaming. And, distressingly, added: "Good luck!"
With my chest, I probably need it. But for now, I think I have the girls under control.


Eskimimi said...

Haha - I needed a good giggle!

Enjoy your new reduced number of boobies.

Anonymous said...

Boobess. Love it. I need to find me one of those shops. I don't think I've ever owned a bra that was actually comfortable. I've about decided to just go without. What the heck --

Gracey is not my name.... said...

Absolutely hysterical! I've tried to deny the need for new management in that area, as I hate all the ones with underwires in them...

Shawkl said...

So funny...thanks for sharing! I was in Bavaria on vacation in the early 1980's. A gorgeous countryside! Wish I was planning another visit...lovely memories!

BalatongTNC said...

"bust"ing out laughing right now! so hilarious!

Nancy McGill said...

As a member of the "well-endowed" tribe, I feel your pain. I have almost given up on finding underthings that fit properly without making me look as though I were wearing torpedoes on my chest. And you can forget pretty. I gave up on pretty bras ages ago.

Thanks for the laugh!! :)

Joan said...

I love the way you write. And I will continue to read your blog even though I suspect you got my share of boobess!

Pammy Sue said...

I feel your pain. My boobess are of the strangling variety too. Loved your story. Too funny.

Chain Stitch Crochet said...

I would gladly give part of my boobess to Joan! lol

Gaining weight and having melons for boobess is not fun.

Julie said...

What a hoot! Those of us who are less than amply endowed might like someone to tell us we have too many boobess once in awhile. Never happens to me lol.

Just a Girl said...

Your story made me LOL! :D I had no idea that it could be so hard to find a larger sized bra in Ireland! That alone made me laugh, as I am about 75% Irish in ancestry, and am quite flat-chested. I suppose I can thank my Irish "luck" for that one! ;o)

I already read your blog via another blog of mine, but now have a new one that is public, yay! I love your posts, it is so fun to hear of your Irish and German adventures!

~Just A Girl

Handcrafter said...

I understand your predicament. Once my 11yr old asked if I could demonstrate a yoga headstand. I said that I would have to put on a good sports bra first, to keep from suffocating myself. My 13yr old promptly responded, "Don't worry, with the way you're built, they'll cover your ears, not your nose.