Monday, January 25, 2010

Career change, please

Whew, I've been busy. I have a ton of exams to correct and I'm getting daily offers of extra work - all of which I am politely, but firmly, turning down. I've got more work than I can shake a stick at and believe me I'm very, very grateful. Sadly, none of these offers of work come from my Top Five Jobs list, so I thought I should publish it in cyberspace, in case a headhunter from a dream factory might be trawling through random blogs.

1. A professional chocolate taster
I have more than thirty years of experience and have conducted scientific taste experiments on chocolate from all over the world. I am fluent in at least three main varieties (dairy milk, white and dark) and proficient in dozens of local dialects (caramel, strawberry-yoghurt, honeynut crisp, mint creme - among others.)

2. A bed tester
Having spent at least one third of my lifetime horizontal and comatose, I consider myself well-versed in the art of bed-judging and a discerning sleeper. I can identify a lumpy mattress within seconds and with a few well-chosen moves, I can adjust a pillow to its optimal position according to the neck/head ratio within seconds. If you want to know if your bed will appeal to the sleeping public, I'm the woman to call.

3. A full-time crocheter-slash-crafter
"Oh, you wouldn't like to do it if you had to do it for a living!" I disagree. Bring on the hooks, babe.

4. A mosaic maker or claymation animator or a surgeon
I am strangely drawn to career choices that require excellent fine motor skills: I could happily spend hours pushing little colouredy bricks into place. Or shaping plasticine penguin wings for stop motion filming. Or sewing up an artery - if I could get over my overwhelming desire to throw up over the operating table.

5. A film editor
I was going to add that to the four above, but decided to give it its own category. Cutting bits out of film, frame by frame analysis, second by second? Lurve it. Chop, chop, chop.

Anyone out there want to give me a job doing any of the above (have no training whatsoever but enormous amounts of panache), please contact me toutesuite.


Joanne said...

Love it!! I too would like a job as a full-time crocheter-slash-crafter so if anyone contact you about this type of job, please send them my way too!! LOL

patrysia said...

May I be part of the chocolate taster's department? My qualifications include having lived and traveled many years extensively in the cacao bean's native environment, so have seen it in its infancy through to processed adulthood and two graduate degrees: my M.A.C.--Master's of Arts in Chocolate, as well as Ph.D.F.C./ss--Doctorate of Philosophy, File Cabinet Chocolate stash supplier).