Friday, February 6, 2015

Fifty Shades Astray

Some time ago, before the book 'Fifty Shades of Grey' became well-known in Germany, I came across it in the English section of our local bookstore. I picked it up, read the names of the two protagonists (Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey), instantly became overcome with the scent of cheap Harlequin romance and returned it to its heap. See, I am a notorious cover-judger, despite the proverb's exhortations to the contrary. On a bad day, I have flung books back on their pile for bearing the two most pretension-laden words in the publishing industry: A Novel. As in, 'Ballyhoo. A Novel'.

Now a film based on this book is hitting the cinemas over here and, sadly, there are abundant clips of two (to me personally) unattractive actors (though I'm sure they're very amiable people) bonking their way through a pedestrian plot. I have no intention of reading the book or watching the film: aside from the fact that I don't want to assault my eyes, my own life reads like a chapter from the aforementioned Novel. At least, I think so - I haven't read it, so I'm not entirely sure. But I'm the only female in a house full of males (albeit, two under three years old), surely that's something similar?

Tell you what, you decide. And, because everyone I know who actually read 'Fifty Shades of Grey' claimed they only "skipped to the good bits", we'll just skip to my good bits as well. Brace yourself, readers.

* * * * * 
Our eyes met across a cluttered room. I approached him slowly, my bare feet almost soundless on the unswept floor. Wordlessly, he reached out and tugged at my t-shirt. He touched it to his lips and let it fall on the floor.
"Please," I whispered.
He didn't take his eyes off me, but pulled the straps of my bra, his fingers playing with the clasp. He tossed it after the t-shirt.
"You can't do this," I said.
But it was too late. He grabbed my knickers and held them aloft, triumphantly, then bit at the lace with his teeth.
"Enough!" I cried and pulled it off him. "I've just folded those clothes!"
I really shouldn't let the baby play with the laundry basket.

* * * * *
 I lay spread--eagled on the bed. He towered above me, a glint of menace in his eyes. He lowered his face to mine, so our eyes met, lashes almost touching.
"Bouncey-bounce," he said in a threatening voice. His breath smelled of cookies. I cowered beneath him.
"We've spent the past twenty minutes bouncey-bouncing," I protested weakly. "Mama's exhausted."
He cupped my face in his sticky hands. "Bouncey-bounce," he repeated. It was not a question, it was an order.
There was no way out.
We bounced.

"Aren't you a bit old to be jumping on the bed with a two-year-old?" my husband enquires casually from the door.
"He made me do it," I say.

* * * * * 

"No!" I cried. Relentlessly, he pushed it in, deeper and deeper.
"Stop!" I said and tried to push him off. He was remarkably strong and I only succeeded in shifting his weight a little.
He grinned and wriggled it around. I shrieked and cried for help.
None came.
Finally, summoning all my strength, I pulled his finger out of my nose. He laughed evilly, his chubby digit extended triumphantly, the bald head of this nine-month-old brimming with possibilities: Mama's face was just full of stuff to explore.
So he poked my ear.

* * * * *

It was quiet. I breathed deeply, afraid to make too much noise in case he would find me.
I hoped in vain.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" he thundered. He had a paintbrush in one hand and a rubber duck in the other.
"How did you get in here?" I protested. "The door was closed!"
"Oh, yes, he can reach the door handles now," my husband called from the kitchen. "So remember to lock the bathroom if you want some privacy."
Privacy? The very word seemed to inflame him. He looked at me, outraged.
"ARE YOU ON THE LOO?" he asked. "WEE-WEE?"
I tried to get up, but my ankles were bound by the underwear pooled around them. I struggled to pull up my clothes and replace the toilet seat before the rubber duck and the paintbrush went for a swim.
Incredibly, I succeeded.
"Maaaaaaaaaamaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" he roared.
I had to do it: I used the safe word.
"Elmo," I said. "Will we listen to an Elmo song instead of playing with the toilet?"
Sniffling, he marches off, leaving an upturned rubber duck lying forlornly in his wake. 

* * * * *
And so on for another thirty chapters. I'm thinking it would have a widespread appeal for parents and parents-to-be. I think the protagonist - 40-year-old woman with yoghurt-stained trousers and the vestiges of a bad haircut - would speak to many people on a lot of levels. What do you think? Should I be prepared for Hollywood to come calling?


Shan said...

This.Is.Fabulous!! You nailed it! Of course, I have only heard what others have said about the book too :) I refuse to read it! But you absolutely nailed motherhood. You are a genius!!

Katie K said...

Bravo! That's one of the funniest things I've ever read.

nursenikkiknits said...

Far too gruesome for Hollywood ; )
I actually snorted out loud. Hilarious.

Hazel said...

Write it!!!! Hahaha. Fantastic and very funny. X

Sonia Pereira said...

I haven't laughed so hard in a long time Great post!

Shelagh said...

Haha! I'd read it :)

Gracey is not my name.... said...

Very funny...I have not read those books either..I picked them up, read the back synopsis and said...nope and put them back...but don't get me wrong..I love a good historical romance...and I will read the "it" books...I'm a huge fan of The Hunger Games...but those did not appeal to me..neither did the Twilight books...vampires should not sparkle..

Karen said...

OH.MY.GOSH - I am still laughing!

I haven't read the other book, but I would definitely read this one; it sounds so much better! A money maker to be sure.


Liz said...

LOVE it. so funny. Like you thought the actual book a pile of drivel. Poor old hubby kept recommending it, probably thinking he would come home to a vixen in the evenings, not a knackered student with tales of poo and dementia!
Will be missing the film. x

Anonymous said...

Bypassed in this neck of the woods as well. I did attempt to read "Eat, Pray, Love" but couldn't get past the self indulgence and took it back to the thrift shop that I bought it from. Wasn't worth my 50c ;). As the only female in a house full of males (albeit 2 of them dogs) I feel a certain solidarity and will read on (unlike Eat, pray, love...)
'50 shades of EH?!' sounds like a best seller to me ;)

Carole said...

HAHAHA, I am really laughing my head off and my daughter just scolded me because I'm too loud and she can't sleep. You could become a stand-up comedian, if Hollywood never calls... never read the book either and not going to see the movie.

Anonymous said...

Haha, you made my day! Hilarious!


Wendi G. said...

Haha so steamy! This is hilarious ;)

Sandra said...

OMG! I am crying, my sides hurt. LOL I haven't visited your blog in such a long time and now I wonder what kept me away.
You are like the best medicine for my soul. You and I raised our children with similar is such a joy to now be reminded of those terribly busy but glorious days.

You are a scream...thank you for every word your share!

Greta said...

OMG! My kids are grown now, but this brought back so many memories. Not the 'soft-focus' romanticized memories, but the raucous, rough-edged, unvarnished real moments that I would wrap my arms around and relive...if I only could. So wonderful and hilarious to know you are living (and sharing) these joyous tribulations.
P.S. I found your blog while looking for crochet patterns. And I love your patterns, but your stories are even better.