Dear Spammers

To:      princeofnigeria@hotmail.com

From:    Me, The Gingerbread Lady

Subject: The millions of dollars you wish to hide in my bank account

Dear Prince of Nigeria,

Well, hello there back to you, my friend! I was absolutely gobsmacked to find your email in my inbox this morning because I was not aware that I could count royalty among my peeps. Imagine my joy when I read your opening words: Greetings to you, my friend! My friend! That, and the fact that you have chosen to conduct state business via a Hotmail account, shows that you are truly a man of the people.

Yes, I was devastated to hear that there had been a coup in Nigeria. Truth be told, I didn't even know you had a monarchy, labouring as I was under the misconception that Nigeria was actually a republic! I'm very happy to hear that all of your family got out alive, although I imagine you must have been dreadfully inconvenienced by all of the marauding riff-raff with their machetes and whatnot. And at this time as well: goodness knows, you're probably up to your ears in preparations for Kate and William's wedding in April. I bet you were looking forward to catching up on all the goss' from the world's other royal families: sharing a bon mot with the Emperor of Japan, and eyeing up the pretty Princesses of Sweden before sitting down to a fine English banquet. Instead, you will be a persona non grata, a Displaced Royal Person - if you even receive your wedding invitation at all. No doubt it's already winging its way to the Royal Palace in Abuja as we speak ... only to fall into the grubby paws of one of the nasties who deposed you. The injustice of it all!

But let me not beat about the bush, my friend. Of course you can deposit $20 million in my bank account. No problem whatsoever! But it sounds like you have enough on your plate right now, what with the revolution and all the rest, so why don't you just send me your bank account details as well as a notarized power of attorney slip, and I'll just help myself to whatever's lying around? I can divide it up between my piggy bank and my post office savings book, so no one will ever know it's there. And furthermore, as a sign of my trustworthiness, I will only accept a 10% holding fee, instead of the 20% you so generously offered.

See - I feel like we're almost family! So please send me all the documentation as soon as possible, including a copy of your passport, your credit card and social security card numbers. Thanks awfully, your Highness.

Love to your parents, the King and Queen, 

The Gingerbread Lady xxx