Dear Members of the German Medical Profession,
It is with great concern that I have noted a rapid increase in the number of emails from female doctors - alone today I have received correspondence from Dr. Hannelore Schmidt, Dr. Renate Mueller, Dr. Iris Kirkegard and Dr. Melanie Ludwig, each offering me the possibility to satisfy my girlfriend in bed. This is disturbing on many levels, dear medics. Allow me to elucidate:
First of all, from a feminist point of view, I wonder if the glass ceiling is so entrenched in the German medical profession that these poor women are forced to leave the practice of healing and scratch a living peddling pharmaceuticals on the Internet. Shame on you, you sexist boars!
Secondly, these emails shake my faith in the medical training afforded by universities in this country. It is very nice of these ladies to be concerned about the ability of my genitals to remain upright for hours at a time, but I would like to note that my particular private bits do not possess the ability to point upwards because they do not dangle to begin with. I believe the first class at medical school probably covers the basic anatomical differences between the sexes, but obviously Dr. Schmidt et al were too busy playing Tetris on their iPhones during that particular lecture. The fact that I don't possess the necessary bits to effectively utilise these pills may have to do with the fact that I am female, - which in turn may also be divined from my name: The Gingerbread Lady. Shocker, eh? Though I am aware that in this day and age this doesn't necessarily need to be a hint, in my case it is.
Thirdly, my girlfriends have their own beds to go to, thank you very much. I imagine that even if I were to lure them over on the pretext of a sleepover, my trying any shenanigans would end up being a very unexpected and deeply disturbing experience for us all - including their and my husbands.
In all, I would request that you ask your colleagues to discontinue sending me offers of potency drugs. It is very kind of them, to be sure, but I do not need them at present, nor do I see myself needing them in the foreseeable future. However, should I experience unexpected growth in the nether regions, I will contact you post haste.
The Gingerbread LADY