Proud to Be Murkan

I was listening to an interesting documentary on the radio the other night about how island life is dying out on some of the smaller islands around Ireland's coast. Many of the islanders have had to move to the mainland in search of work, and restrictions put in place by the EU have negatively affected the lives of the fishermen and their families. All very serious stuff. The documentary maker interviewed a range of people on this island off Ireland's northwest coast, including some of  the island's teens. And then, once again, I found myself Gripped By Rage. Because while the rest of the islanders spoke with the lovely, melodic, instantly-identifiable tones of County Donegal, the Youth of the Island had a bizarre, distinctly American twang - the accent I like to call 'Murkan': it's not American, no, it's not. No matter how hard you try.

You see, the Youth of Ireland have been hit by a virus: the Murkan Accent. Fighting my way through a flock of schoolchildren in Dublin, I was surprised at the number of young American teens dressed in Irish school uniforms. Double check: they weren't American, they were Irish - imitating a weird kind of American accent. Because, like, it's, like, so kewl and awesome to, like, talk, like, like this. This rendered even more bizarre because none of the Americans I know (and I know a few) speak like this. And any I have heard speak like this were featured in "reality shows" (whose reality is this?) on MTV.

So what's going on here? Obviously, it's far cooler to be from, say, New York than Termonfeckin, Co. Louth. But there's nothing wrong with being from Termonfeckin, Co. Louth (have never been there, but with a name like that, it's on my To Do list). And there's nothing wrong with sounding like you come from Termonfeckin, Co. Louth - as long as other people understand you. Pretending to be from Manhattan when you're actually from Termonfeckin, Co. Louth, leads me to wonder if you just don't like who you are and where you're from ... and that makes me a bit sad.

In any case, many teens don't like who they are and where they're from - that's what you learn on the first day of How To Be A Teenager, isn't it? The ironic thing is that the small towns of South Dakota and Wisconsin and Iowa and Tennessee are probably chock-full of bored teenagers who would give their eye-teeth to be from somewhere as glamorous and exotic as Termonfeckin, Co. Louth, and they all probably speak the same way Irish teenagers are trying to (not sure about Tennessee - I haven't yet heard a teenage Paddy try to ape a Nashville accent. Yet.)

Sadly, though, Murkanism is spreading upwards and now I hear an increasing number of portly, middle-aged Irish people developing a strong, misplaced Murkan accent. As a result, I have put together a short guide for Irish readers. This is a set of guidelines, not rules, and they do not apply to American readers - you might be able get away with it. We can't. Therefore I would strongly recommend that after the age of 16, my fellow Irish people cease and desist using any of the following:

Wordless Anecdotes

Use your words. In your indoor vioce. Find a few choice verbs, stir in a couple of pronouns and sprinkle liberally with adjectives. Season with adverbs and recount to your friends.

Oh-Em-Gees

Please do not flap your hands à la a Miss Universe pageant queen, while breathlessly crying, "Oh! Emm! Geee!" If moved thusly, I am sure the Almighty will not smite you for taking his name in vain, but do this all too often and He might fling a bolt of lightning at you in temper.
Or maybe I will in His stead.
You have been warned.

Excessive Intonation

I once read that this bizarre trend originated in popular Aussie soap operas. I don't want to point the finger unjustly at our Antipodean friends, but if this is the case - could you swig by and take this back, please? I'm used to identifying questions by a slick combination of auxilliary verbs (do and did are among my favourites) and a nifty little thing called rising intonation at the end of the sentence. Now that it has become so cool to intonate every statement like a question, I am left quite bewildered when someone says, "I'm hungry? I think I'll eat something?" because I don't know whether they know if they're hungry or whether they're asking me if they are. It's very tiresome. Please stop it.

A Plethora of Likes

In this harsh economic era, the government of Ireland is struggling to make up the country's enormous budget deficit. I have an idea: simply fine people €1,000 for the misuse of the words like (you can use one per sentence), seriously and literally. Any Irishperson who uses the word awesome, particularly those over the age of 30, will be fined €5,000 on the spot. There are a lot of appropriate adjectives that don't sound silly with a Galway or Offaly accent: brilliant, for example. Wonderful. Great. Terrific. Marvellous. Even the much-maligned nice. At a pinch, you could say something was grand. I'd even accept amazing, but it makes me nervous.

P.S. I know I've used italics a lot in this post - I probably shouldn't get so het up. Sorry.