Mrs Gingerbread vs The Squatters

Frankly, I should've guessed something was up. A pair of pigeons were spending altogether too much time cavorting and canoodling outside my workroom window.

He's staring at me, isn't he?

I, in turn, took to standing at the window, flapping my arms and shouting at them: "Get lost! Stop staring in my window! Go sit on someone else's balcony!"
They were surprisingly resistant to all hints. I thought it might have been because I was shouting in English, so I switched to German: "Haut ab! Weg mit euch! Blöde Tauben!'" But that didn't work either.

And no wonder. The first rule of real estate is: Location, location, location, and in pigeon terms, there's no better location than in a disused flower holder beside our balcony door. Mama Pigeon has built herself a nest, laid eggs and spends her day in there, glaring malevolently when Mr Gingerbread and I turn up for a staring match.

Can you detect the malice in her eyes?

See, that's just about all we're capable of doing right now. The Brothers Gingerbread had a selection of Pigeon Eviction Strategies, but many of them involved scenes of mild cruelty to the wingèd vermin expectant parents and Mr Gingerbread and I are too soft to put these dastardly plans into place. Mr G thinks he can unscrew the holder and gently relocate the pigeon maternity wing elsewhere, but I don't think the wingèd ones will appreciate that at all.

So all I can do is visit our little squatters on a regular basis and talk to the mother pigeon to make her feel as uncomfortable as possible. ("Yes, I can see you. No, staying stock-still doesn't make you invisible. I'm here to tell you that I am not happy about this AT ALL. I don't appreciate you or Mr Pigeon pooping all over our balcony and I'm not sure I want a flock of baby pigeons doing their business on our garden furniture, either.") She unflinchingly stares me down, the wench. I'm being intimidated by a bird.

This might seem cruel, but this weekend Mr G and his DIY Partner In Crime are laying decking on our balcony ...

The result of Mr Gingerbread's trip to Man Nirvana: The DIY Store!

...and I don't think the Pigeon Parents will be able to stand the constant comings and goings of our gang of lively workers or the noise of my husband's circular saw. If Mama Pigeon abandons her eggs in fright, I might end up the adoptive mother to a bunch of pigeon orphans and I can't see that ending well for anyone.